Words To Live By

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize.
• Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
• Death to all fanatics!
• Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
• Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
• Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....